This Is Why . . .

When we suffer a loss, of any kind, it is common to ask "why". Why did this happen to me? Why do I have to go through this? What have I done to deserve this? It's an easy question to ask, and an impossible one to answer. For some reason, we think that when something bad happens there must be a reason. However, when something good happens how often do we stop and ask, "Why? Why did this wonderful thing happen to me?"

Whether good or bad, the experiences that we have in this life are for one reason and one reason only: to help others. Christ suffered scorns and pain throughout his life and never asked why. He knew why. He knew that he was doing it for us. He suffered so that when we suffered He could be there to help us. We, too, suffer so that we may feel empathy for those who will also suffer.

When we lost Julia, Jacob and I were comforted by friends and family who had experienced similar losses. Our social worker in the NICU had lost a young child, both of our mothers had suffered late-stage miscarriages, and a good friend of mine had a baby with disabilities and so in her own way she was mourning the loss of the healthy baby for which she had hoped.

I was snuggling with my precious newborn niece today, but online I was watching and following another tragic loss of a newborn baby. I have been digitally following along as this young family and their extended relatives mourn and grieve for their loss. I feel their pain. I understand, in my own small way, their grief. I can appreciate the overwhelming magnitude of their sadness. I can appreciate it, I can even attempt to shoulder it for them for a while. And I can do that because I know the pain and I understand.

And this is why . . . this is why I lost my little girl. This is why I have felt sadness. It is so that now I can truly mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort. Now, this young couple doesn't actually know me. They may not want me interfering in their lives, but I know that I can be there for me if they need me. This is why.

Confectionary Cheers

I love to learn new things. This week I have learned that my Sara has been holding out on me. She is a confectioner of fine chocolates and candies, and I never knew!

We've made chocolate covered caramels (pictured below), English toffee, chocolate fondant, and chocolate fudge! Yum!!!

She's been trying to teach Z and I how to do it too.

It's messy!

Merry Christmas to All, And to All a Good Night

I had a wonderful Christmas.  It was full of family, friends, fun, and food. 

It was a busy weekend for me and I completely forgot to take pictures, because I was busy running here and there and everywhere. I started by doing some last minute shopping on Christmas Eve – yeah, yeah, I know but there were extenuating circumstances. Then I went to Mom and Dad Fiala’s to help get ready for our big Christmas Eve feast, then out to Mom and Dad Schwab’s where we opened some presents and played fun games, then home for a few hours sleep before driving back to Mom and Dad F’s for Christmas morning and to Skype with my special someone. Then out to GHAD’s for Christmas dinner and finally home again.  I drove from one end of the Magic Valley and back again several times in the last few days. I loved every moment of it!!

Christmas is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. Isn’t that how the Christmas carol goes anyway?  There is a big emphasis on family and friends at Christmas time.  I’ve been blessed with both and I am ever so thankful for them.  I had wonderful girls who helped me decorate my house with ornaments and lights, I had invitations to lunches, and dinners. I had much to keep me busy.  I want all of my wonderful family to know that I appreciated your thoughtfulness and your love. It would have been very easy for me to wallow in self-inflicted sadness. I’m inclined to do that now and again.  But even busy and happy as I was, there were moments when I stood very still and listened to the quietness of my house. There are moments when it feels very empty and hollow.  I can’t imagine how I would have felt if I had been truly alone on Christmas. I know that there are people in this world who were alone and I feel for them.  I feel for our military who, though they are with their comrades-in-arms, are separated from family and loved ones as well.  It’s a hard thing to endure during this season of familial togetherness. I know I had to make an extra effort, emotionally speaking, to catch the Christmas spirit, but I’m thankful the people in my life who also made the extra effort on my behalf. 

Now the craziness of the holiday rush is over and life can go back to business as usual. Kind of, anyway.  I’m going to celebrate the New Year somewhere warm, or at least warmer.  I’m heading to New Mexico! Yea!!

I hope that everyone had a Merry Christmas and will have a Happy New Year!

Next Blog

Blogger has a feature called “Next Blog”.  This feature seems to be solely for the purpose of finding random new blogs to read and “blog-stalk.”  I love this feature. As many of my TV shows are on a holiday vacation, I have been entertaining myself by “Next Blogging”.

I have discovered that many times the blogs begin to follow a pattern. Sometimes I read blog after blog of potty-training, ward party, and ‘it snowed in Rexburg’ stories. Other times I have hit a streak of budding writers, who are sharing their literary genius with the world through blogging – mostly because publishers probably won’t accept it. One time I got on a soccer kick that began with some family blogs about soccer camp and led to a string of blogs from South America about professional soccer players and were written in Spanish. I’ve also seen many photography blogs, artsy-crafty blogs, and medical issue blogs. 

Writing is a form of therapy.  It is a wonderful outlet for me when I am overwhelmed with life’s challenges, and many other people feel the same way.  I have read blogs written by women with infertility, men and women with clinical depression, and quite a few blogs from families who have lost children to diseases such as children’s leukemia. These stories are moving and powerful.  Some of the bloggers are religious and use their blog to bear testimony of their faith (much as I have done, I suppose). Some of the bloggers are looking for answers to life’s big questions and send their queries out into cyberspace in the hopes that a reader will find them and help them.  Some bloggers simply want to vent their anger and frustration to the world at large.

When I “Next Blog” I look for several things on each page. First I look for signs of the writer’s religion. It’s not hard to spot the ward Halloween party pictures, missionary updates, and family history stories from LDS authors. Other religions are trickier for me to figure out because I don’t know what tell tale signs to look for on the blogs. I have found Jewish bloggers, Catholic bloggers, atheist bloggers, and several hippie pot smoking bloggers (that’s kinda like religion, right?) The second thing I look for is a connection with the blogger.  There are trillions of people in this world and millions of them are blogging. “Next Blog” picks random blogs out of the tangled world wide web and once – only once so far- one of the blogs I was randomly reading had a link to a blog written by my sister’s college roommate! What a small world!

What I have learned from this is that I am not alone in the world. None of us are. Sometimes we think that we are the only ones who have ever suffered one particular trial.  This is not true. It doesn’t matter if you live in Bologna, Italy, Calgary, Canada, or rural Twin Falls, Idaho you are not the only person in the world who has ever had food poisoning, got stressed out at work, been lonely, sad, or sick.  Nor are you the only person who has ever been surprised, happy, in love, or successful.  “Next Blog” has taught me that I am but a very small speck in the large microcosm of this universe.  My problems may be big to me, but low and behold they did not change the world in its entirety. Nor am I the first person to write about them. Millions of people are doing that every day. They are allowing us a glimpse of life from their perspective.

There is a very large world out there, just full of people who are sitting in front of their computer screens bearing their souls to the world.  All they need now are readers.  So take a minute and move your mouse up to the top left corner of your screen and click on that “Next Blog” link.  You never know where you will end up. But beware – it can be very addicting.

Spirit of the Season

It’s the spirit of the season

 

You can feel it in the air

You can hear it if you listen

Everywhere, so much care, like a prayer

It’s the spirit of the season

Filling hearts with love and care

Like a shining star it glistens

 

Everywhere, so much care, like a prayer 

Merry Christmas!

Quick Cinema Catch-up

It’s been about four weeks since I lasted reviewed any movies, and in that time I’ve watched three Monday Night Movies. Some were good, some not so good. Here’s how they line up:

First off, Last Chance Harvey

Well, I gave it a chance. I watched it all the way through. Then I turned it off and gladly watched something else. I like movies that make me feel good, not annoyed, then stressed, then annoyed again. I give it 2 out of 5 stars. And that’s all I have to say about that because I wish it had been shorter and sweeter, much like this review.

 

Next, was The Duchess

Does Keira Knightly ever do a bad job?! I really liked this movie.  I like any sort of historical romance, but this one was fabulous! Keira Knightly was beautiful, and the costumes were amazing.  I totally got into all of the characters, even the Duke. I really liked that movie. It’s one that I would like to add to my collection someday. I’d give it 4.5/5 stars.

 

Finally, tonight’s movie was How to Train Your Dragon

WoW! OMG! AMAZING! I got two new movies in the mail this week so Alex helped me pick which one to watch tonight. The choices were this or a sappy love story.  I was hesitant because it’s kind of an animal movie, but it was awesome.  I don’t like animal movies because I hate, hate, hate, when something bad happens to the animals (can you say Where the Red Fern Grows?) and even cartoon animals like animated dragons can get to me. But this was such a good movie that I know I will be adding it to my movie collection.  It’s a movie that I could watch over and over again. It was really witty and clever, the animation was good – although it resembled Avatar a bit, and it had me hooked from the very first scene. This is one of those movies that proves you’re never too old to love cartoons! 5 stars all the way!

Communication Breakdown!!!

Okay, I need to vent!! My cell phone is driving me crazy and I don’t know what to do.  Please HELP ME!

My cell phone died on Sunday morning, it just won’t turn on.  That in and of itself has been hard because it is my only means of communicating outside of e-mail, this blog, and smoke signals. I don’t have a land line, I don’t have a secondary cell phone, I have nothing. I can’t call my mom, or text my sisters, or anything!!! That has been a bit of a nuisance. I had no idea how addicted I was to my cell phone, and the funny thing is, the people closest to me will tell you that I don’t even have my cell phone with me as often as I should. And yet, without it I feel isolated, cut off from humanity. No body can reach me and I can’t reach out to them.  I am even afraid to drive – if I get in an accident I can’t call for help.

That’s not the biggest nuisance though! Here’s the real kicker. I took my phone to Verizon and they couldn’t fix it either, so they ordered me a new one and had it shipped to me overnight! Yea!!! It has arrived. It even came with instructions! Yea!

Step 1: Backup Contacts from Old Phone. You MUST FIRST download Backup Assistant to your old phone.  

Well since my phone won’t turn on I am having a heck of a time downloading new apps to it!! If I had known it was going to die, then I would have done this already but I didn’t know, so I didn’t download anything. And from looking at the website, my plain little phone isn’t even listed on here. It’s not very smart (neither is the user) and it doesn’t have web capabilities. The user is too cheap to pay for them anyway. What’s next…

Step 2: Prepare Old Device for Return.

Okay, good. It’s boxed up and ready to ship back to Verizon. That I could do. 

Step 3: Activate Your New Phone

Okay, I turned the phone on and followed the directions that came up. That was easy, too. Now I have a phone with no numbers on it. What should I do?

Step 4: Transfer Contacts to New Phone

Um, but I never transferred them off of my old phone, because I couldn’t. Because it wouldn’t turn on. What do you mean, that now that I have activated this new phone, it is too late?

So there’s the crux of the problem. Now I have a phone that works, and nobody to call because I don’t know anyone’s number. That’s not true. I know my parent’s house phone number. They drilled it into my head the summer before kindergarten.  Outside of them, I don’t know anyone’s number. So please help me! If you were originally in my phone, or you would like to be in it as of now, please send me an e-mail with your number so that I can add you to my contacts.  And if you have any ideas as to how I can get back my pictures of my handsome husband, or other family members, that would be good too.

Snow Man

Last night it started to snow. The fat, fluffy flakes drifted slowly from the sky, covering the world in a heavy vanilla frosting of ice crystals. When I went to bed last night, the snow was still tumbling silently from the low clouds. I love the silence of snow. It never makes a sound as it cloaks the world in a cape of white peacefulness and sparkling beauty.

 

This morning, all cozied up in my bed with Frank the Fat Cat, I was dozing in and out of blissful unconsciousness when I heard a loud creaking and rumbling.  A few minutes later there was a repetitive scratching sound outside my bedroom window. I knew instantly what it was. It was Garrett. Wonderful sweet Garrett came by this morning to shovel the snow from my driveway and porch. This is what I saw when I peeked through the window blinds. 

I quickly pulled on some clothes and ran to the kitchen to start the water boiling. After he finished the shoveling, he came inside for a warm cup of Stephen’s Belgian Dark Hot Cocoa and a little conversation.  What an easy way to repay him for his kindness! I am thankful for such good friends who take such good care of me! 

Thank you Garrett!

I LOVE Harry Potter!

 

Just got home from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 1!! It was fabulous.  I won’t give away any spoilers other than to say the characters are all looking quite grown up and mature which was very nice. :) I laughed, I cried, I jumped, I gasped, I probably even screamed a little. It was an easy movie in which to become completely absorbed.

This movie was as dark and scary as the book and I am especially appreciative of Kennedy, who is 9, because she let me hold her hand during the scary parts. I was squeezing her hand tighter than she was squeezing mine! Of course, I knew what was going to happen because I’ve read the book and so I had the benefit of pre-scared where as she got to experience it all for the first time. 

It totally ended with a perfect cliff-hanger so that now we are all desperately counting down the days until the second half comes out (supposedly in July).  Here’s a dilemma: should I buy the two parts separately on DVD or wait until they both come out and buy them together?  Or do both? After all we own two copies of each Lord of the Rings movie. Maybe I should have multiple copies of each Harry Potter movie too?  I don’t know.

What I do know is that was one well done movie. I love Harry Potter!

Chapter 17: Six Months Ago…

Dear Julia,

It has been six months since you passed away in my arms.  I can’t believe that it has already been that long.  The joy of having given birth to you and the pain of losing you is still almost as fresh as it was six months ago.  Though I cherish that joy, every day I have to  swallow down the pain that I feel and the tears that I cry.   Some people may even think that I have moved on, or that I have healed.  They would be wrong.  I have learned to deal with the pain in my heart, I compartmentalize it and lock it up in a box.  Sometimes the lock breaks at odd moments when I’m teaching school or sitting on an airplane, and luckily that doesn’t happen often, but you are on my mind no matter where I am or what I am doing. 

Life has continued to move on in the last six months. A lot has changed around here and yet sometimes it feels as though nothing has changed at all.  We got a puppy to keep us busy so we wouldn’t mope around the house. He has destroyed or attempted to destroy most of the furniture. School started and I went back to the job that I enjoy. Your daddy is busy working at a job that he loves too.  We think about you all the time, and though we don’t talk about you often, we can intuitively know when the other person in thinking about you. I’m sure you know too.  I visit your gravesite several times a week.  You got a new cousin this week, she is almost exactly six months younger than you.  I hope that in the eternities you will be the best of friends, as I know you would have been in life.  We have celebrated birthdays and holidays and the changes in the season. While on the surface life seems full, I am constantly plagued by the feeling that something is missing and I know that something is you. I am learning to focus on the joys of life and it is getting easier to fake happiness, which I guess means that maybe I’m not faking as much as I used to. I have also become a little savvier in how to protect myself. I avoid ward parties and relief society events where people bring babies.  I am acutely aware of the baby section in stores, and I have learned the easiest ways to shop without going near them.

I didn’t mean for this to be a sad letter, sweetheart. I didn’t mean to cry while writing it either. If I could hold you in my arms right now I would tell you how much I love you. I would cover you in kisses and hold you tightly to my chest. I want you to know that I love you more than almost anything in the world, besides your daddy of course. He is my strength. We both love you so much, I can’t find the words to express our love.  Please, please know this. Know that you are cherished, and will be cherished forever.

With love,

Mom