Season Finale Week

This is the week of season finales for all our favorite TV shows as they prepare to take a summer vacation. If the entire week continues in the pattern set by Castle on ABC last night I am pretty sure that I will not live to see Friday. It was almost too much for me to handle. I mean, the ending where Castle holds Beckett, can I just say WOW! But more than that, it was the scene in the airplane hangar that really did me in; the crying, the compassion, the overall tenderness and horror of the whole thing was overwhelming. I won’t give anything away because everyone should look it up and watch it. With a box of Kleenex. And possibly a defibrillator – just in case.

Okay, well now it’s time to settle in for NCIS on CBS. I’ve watched the previews about a million times and if anything happens to Ziva I will NOT be okay. I’m just saying. Ooh, but maybe this will be an opportunity for Tony and Ziva to realize their true feelings for each other. Keep your fingers crossed!

Thursday night is Bones on FOX. Don’t bother calling me between 8:00 and 9:00 because I will be screaming at my television. That’s what I did last week anyway. Not words, just screams. And in the tradition of season finales this ending has to be bigger and better than the one before it so we know it’s going to be GREAT/Absolutely Awful!!

Then we’ll have to go an entire summer before we can see all of our favorite characters again. Eek! How will I possibly survive?!

 

It is quite possible that I put too much energy into my television watching. Maybe.

Thank You Notes

It was one year ago today that Jacob and I lost our only child to a severe birth defect. During the last twelve months we have gone through the grieving process and Jake’s deployment overseas. It has been emotionally draining- sometimes it still is. But there have been people in our lives who have been a blessing that we can not measure. I have never been good at writing thank you notes. There are many people who deserve a hand written letter of gratitude, but a public online acknowledgement will probably have to do instead.

• Mom and Dad Fiala – Okay, words can’t ever express the feelings of a daughter to her parents so just know that I love you so much. Really I am speechless and overwhelmed when I think of everything you have done for me.
• Mom and Dad Schwabedissen – I have the best in-laws in the entire world. I am so grateful that I married into a family where commitment, love, and support are such a big part of your daily lives. I have never felt like an outsider or been afraid to call when I needed something. You are wonderful people and I thank you for letting me marry your son and be a part of your family.
• Sara (and Nate) – I’m so lucky to have found a bosom friend that understands me so well. I’m also lucky that her husband is so understanding and will let me steal her away for a good cry or a good laugh at even some of the strangest hours of the day or night.
• Alex – We have always been close, but I feel that in this last year we have become even closer.  I can’t say that I would have always been at church if it hadn’t been for your support and physical presence in the meetings with me. My testimony stayed strong and I credit that to you and your family who gave me a reason to keep attending.
• Amanda and T.J. – Thank you for giving me a shoulder to cry on (or punch, respectively) and then for always turning my tears into laughter. Your friendship has kept me going on days when I didn’t think that I had it in me to take even another step. 
• O’Leary Staff – Thank you for the monetary donations and the love and prayers you shared on my behalf. The meals and cards were wonderful.  I am grateful that I work with such a dedicated group of individuals who really care about their coworkers and their students.
• Garrett- Thank you for stepping in and taking care of the house and helping me while Jacob is away. You’ve saved me from untold amounts of stress with your unwavering commitment. Jacob owes you many hours of lost gaming time, which I’m sure he’ll be glad to pay.

I know that there are many wonderful people who have helped, but I can’t possibly write you all long notes now. I have tried to make lists of people who have been helpful in different ways and I just can’t do it. I run the risk of leaving off an important somebody.  Please just know that if you prayed for us, helped us, even smiled to us and tried in anyway to brighten our days, we felt your love and you strengthened us, and for that we thank you! We couldn’t have gotten through this year without you!

Chapter 18: One Year

Dear Julia,

I am always amazed at the difference that one year can make.  I frequently stop and ask myself, “Where was I one year from today?” 

I’ve done that a lot this past year as I’ve hit a lot of milestones. It’s been one year since my appointments to the fertility doctor. It’s been one year since my positive pregnancy test – we were so excited. It’s been one year since I went shopping for maternity clothes. It’s been one year since I first felt you kicking.  It’s been one year since the ultrasound and the day we got your diagnosis of congenital hydrocephalus. And now, dear Julia, it has been one year since you were born. One year ago today- I was having a C-section and you were taking your first breath.

Many of those little milestones went unmentioned, but they never went unnoticed. I felt and remembered every single one of them in my heart.  This is one milestone that will be neither unmentioned or unnoticed. For I want the world to know that I still think about you every day. I look at other little babies- one born a year ago this week, and one born around the time of your actual due date in July. I think about an alternate reality in which you are learning to eat solid foods, sit up by yourself, take your first steps, and say your first words just like those other babies I see. None of those things happened for us like they did for those other families. We had different kinds of milestones this year.

• There was the first Sunday I went back to church (hard enough on its own) but then also had to sit through a baby blessing. I sure was grateful that your daddy had given you a name and a blessing. I was also grateful that I was surrounded by family that day.
• There was the day in June that I had a panic attack in Target because I passed a woman with a baby in her cart and I suddenly couldn’t breathe. I ducked behind the first rack of clothes I could find to hide my sobbing from other shoppers. Too bad I had to walk past the baby department to get out of the store.
• There was the day in September that your daddy flew out of the Twin Falls Airport headed to Mississippi and then on to Baghdad, Iraq.  That was a milestone because my life went into limbo and hasn’t felt “right” since. It was also a milestone because even though I had thought I was strong then, I learned I had new levels of strength I didn’t even know about. 
• There was the week in December that I first held a baby that wasn’t you- and didn’t even cry.  (Sweet little Anara, thank you for snuggling.)
• There was the day in March that I sat in Sacrament meeting and listened to a baby blessing and didn’t feel jealousy or anger. That was a turning point for me. It was the week that I realized that I could be happy for other people even if I wasn’t happy for myself. I think that is a sure sign of healing.

Dear Baby Julia, you are a precious darling little girl. In three days time we will be recognizing another one year milestone, but not today. Today I simply want to recognize you and your brief life with some pictures that I haven’t posted before.

Baby bump!

More baby bump!

Blogging- because that’s what I do when I’m stressed.

Getting cleaned up and getting help breathing. It’s a hard thing to do by yourself when you’re so little.

That bili light for your jaundice sure was bright. You had to wear the silliest little eye covers.

We loved to touch you. In fact, we could barely keep our hands off of you.

Grandparents- you’re the first granddaughter on both sides, you know. They were right there with all of us the whole time.

There were so many wires and tubes everywhere that holding you was challenging. Luckily we had very skilled nurses and therapists to help.

P.S. I know I’m not supposed to post things that will upset Daddy, but let’s be honest. He’s probably a little upset today anyway. Maybe some of these pictures will remind him of how happy we were one year ago today. If anything, I hope that they remind him of how much I love him. Because I do love him -  very much.

And I love you baby girl. Happy 1st Birthday!

 

(Pictures by Sara Bliss, mostly).

SEW Happy

Today I have a funny story for you all. At least, I think its funny. You see, our house has this great big family room in the basement, and when we first moved in I suggested that we use the space for a nice, big quilting frame that I could keep up all year long. Jake thought that was a bad idea and that we should get a pool table instead. So, we got a pool table. And I am very glad. Look at how useful it is:

Just last week I used the pool table when I hemmed curtains for a friend, and when I worked on binding a quilted table runner, and then when my sister-in-law and I worked on making skirts! So, thanks Jake! I really enjoy using this great workspace to help me cultivate my sewing talent! 

 

P.S. Frank likes it too!