Dear Julia,
It has been six months since you passed away in my arms. I can’t believe that it has already been that long. The joy of having given birth to you and the pain of losing you is still almost as fresh as it was six months ago. Though I cherish that joy, every day I have to swallow down the pain that I feel and the tears that I cry. Some people may even think that I have moved on, or that I have healed. They would be wrong. I have learned to deal with the pain in my heart, I compartmentalize it and lock it up in a box. Sometimes the lock breaks at odd moments when I’m teaching school or sitting on an airplane, and luckily that doesn’t happen often, but you are on my mind no matter where I am or what I am doing.
Life has continued to move on in the last six months. A lot has changed around here and yet sometimes it feels as though nothing has changed at all. We got a puppy to keep us busy so we wouldn’t mope around the house. He has destroyed or attempted to destroy most of the furniture. School started and I went back to the job that I enjoy. Your daddy is busy working at a job that he loves too. We think about you all the time, and though we don’t talk about you often, we can intuitively know when the other person in thinking about you. I’m sure you know too. I visit your gravesite several times a week. You got a new cousin this week, she is almost exactly six months younger than you. I hope that in the eternities you will be the best of friends, as I know you would have been in life. We have celebrated birthdays and holidays and the changes in the season. While on the surface life seems full, I am constantly plagued by the feeling that something is missing and I know that something is you. I am learning to focus on the joys of life and it is getting easier to fake happiness, which I guess means that maybe I’m not faking as much as I used to. I have also become a little savvier in how to protect myself. I avoid ward parties and relief society events where people bring babies. I am acutely aware of the baby section in stores, and I have learned the easiest ways to shop without going near them.
I didn’t mean for this to be a sad letter, sweetheart. I didn’t mean to cry while writing it either. If I could hold you in my arms right now I would tell you how much I love you. I would cover you in kisses and hold you tightly to my chest. I want you to know that I love you more than almost anything in the world, besides your daddy of course. He is my strength. We both love you so much, I can’t find the words to express our love. Please, please know this. Know that you are cherished, and will be cherished forever.
With love,
Mom
5 comments:
Dear Julia,
My baby girl came into the world this week and I couldn't help but think of you. Just hours after delivery I cried and thought of how my Anara already has had the lucky chance of getting to know you. I can imagine you two sitting up in heaven - you having recently left earth and her being eager to go. I picture you encouraging her, telling her that you would keep a close eye on what she was doing. I can see you sitting close, heads together, giggling over how silly your parents are. And I imagine that there were tender goodbyes as you separated, even knowing you would be together again. I'm sure she misses you, as we all do.
I'm sure you already know how very lucky you are because your parents are some of the very best in the world. You've probably seen how amazing they are. Your dad is strong and although he appears serious, he is one of the funniest guys that I know. Your mom is remarkable - beautiful, witty, kind, and ever gracious. My goal in life is to grow up to be more like her. They approach each day with love and faith because they know that you are theirs to keep forever.
Thank you for forever touching our lives.
With much love,
Aunt Sara
I love you Sara
<3 <3 <3 <3
Katie, I love you.
Dear Julia,
A day has yet to come where I have not thought about you, wished to hold you again, and hear you cry once more. Your mother and I both love you so very much and miss your physical presence. I know you are watching over me like your mother asked you to, but I need you to watch over her as well and comfort her while I am away. I know she has friends and family that are helping her, but having the warm presence of your spirit as I have felt would help her so much more.
I cannot wait for the day when we will be a united family again, I cherish every moment we had together and look forward to the eternity we will spend as a family.
Love
Dad
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