Chapter 3: Prayers

Many wonderful people have told me that they are praying for me and for my family.  For this, I thank you.  On difficult days we have felt a strength beyond our own, a strength which could have only come as a result of all those prayers.  I have a strong testimony of the power of prayer and I am very grateful for that communication with our Heavenly Father.

Lately I have been pondering prayer.  The more I have heard people tell me they are praying for me, the more I have begun to wonder what they mean by this.  Some people are specific and tell me that they are praying for a miracle.  This, too, raises questions.   I want to share my questions with you, not because I need answers, but because I have found that by putting pen to paper – fingers to keyboard—I am able to better clear my mind and organize my thoughts.  If the following seems like random disjointed ramblings please forgive me.

First of all, what is a miracle? When people pray for a miracle will they be disappointed when our little one is not born perfect? A miracle could be anything from a miscarriage and an early release from this long ordeal to every day that I get to carry my little girl with me. Should I consider it a miracle when we get one full day, one week, or one year with our little one? Or does it have to be “the whole enchilada,” a happy, perfect baby?  I too am praying for a miracle, but I can’t help wondering what that really means.  

My second question is is it right to pray for a miracle, or is that selfishness? Sometimes when I think of miracles I wonder if I have the right to even ask for a miracle.  In the New Testament Christ raises the daughter of a Pharisee from the dead.  Christ did not call the Pharisee and his wife selfish in their desires, yet sometimes I feel selfish in mine. If the Lord has a plan for each of us, do I have the right to ask Him to allow me more time with my little girl, to care for her and to raise her?  Would He change his plans for my sake? Would answering my prayers be thwarting a bigger plan that I am not able to comprehend? Who am I to ask God to change His mind?

That brings me to the last question: what if I don’t pray for a miracle and I am supposed to? Christ gave sight to the blind, fed the multitudes on naught but fish and bread and even raised the dead. He can perform miracles, but He does not do it arbitrarily.  In the Old Testament Abraham was promised that his seed would be as numberless as the sands of the sea.  However, his faithful wife Sarah was barren and unable to bear children.  They were heartbroken and prayed faithfully for a child.  I am sure, from my own experience, that Sarah prayed in her heart every minute of every day to have a child.  They never gave up hope and I am sure that when their prayers were answered they were overjoyed!  The Lord kept his promise to Abraham but Abraham also exercised much faith in the Lord by never giving up his prayers.  We are instructed “ask and ye shall receive.”  Does this mean that if I don’t ask, then I won’t receive?  What kind of a mother would I be if I did not exercise every particle of my being in pleading for this little life?  At what point do I say, “Thy will be done”?

Part of me already knows the answers. They are probably a combination of all things;  plead for a complete miracle but be willing to accept whatever I am given, etc. But as I live this trial everyday I mostly plead for strength: the strength to get out of bed, the strength to go to school, the strength to be a support unto my family and friends.  Whatever answers you may have for the questions I have been pondering please remember to never stop praying. God, our Eternal Father, hears all prayers and answers all prayers in one way or another, of this I am sure. 

Chapter 2 -- They Told Us

Sometimes author's leave you with a cliffhanger because they know you'll come back for the rest of the story. Sometimes they leave you with a cliff hanger because they don't know where the story was going from there. I will be leaving cliff hangers because I am not yet strong enough to acknowledge what happens next. . .

The doctors in Boise were fabulous!!!!! Our wait in the waiting room was relatively short. Everyone was very nice and very informative. There wasn't a single person who made our trip there worse than it was already going to be. The technician, Susie, took lots of pictures and sent most of them home with us. Then Dr. Lee came in to review the ultrasound pictures. He was straightforward and honest. He told us a lot of bad news but this is the first time that I didn't want to hurt the messenger. I wanted to hug him for being such a good guy. Here are some of the things he told us.

He told us that on a scale of 1-10 this was a 9 in severity.
He told us that she will probably not go full term.
He told us it is better that way because she won't be able to live more than a few days if she does go full term.
He told us that even though he sounded pessimistic, the pediatric neurosurgeon was even more pessimistic and would probably not be willing to do any drastic measures to try and save her.
He told us he was very sorry.
He told us that many people would terminate at this point.
He told us we had until the fetus was at 23 weeks gestation to complete that act. (That gives us until this Friday). We told him no.
He told us not to blame ourselves.
He told us he was very sorry.

Everyone left us alone for about half an hour to digest that information. We cried and hugged each other. Then a really nice girl named Amber came in. She introduced herself as a genetic counselor. She asked us to come to her office. (It wasn't really her office though. The name plate said Heather. idk) She told us lots of interesting things too.

She told us that there are three things that cause hydrocephalus: infections, genetics, and random bad luck.
She told us that the infections (CMV and toxoplasmosis)are very, very hard to get.
She told us that genetics does not mean hereditary. Genetics means there was an extra chromosome given. Some of the most severe and well known are called Trisomy 21 (down syndrome), Trisomy 18, and Trisomy 13.
She told us that random bad luck only repeats itself on a 3-5% regularity.
She told us not to blame ourselves.
She told us she was sorry.
She told us that if we wanted to know which of the three things caused the hydrocephalus we should do an amniocentesis, a procedure which draws amniotic fluid from around the baby.
She told us she was sorry.

We went back to an ultrasound room. We met with the same nice ultrasound technician, Susie (do they have an official title, i don't know). We met Dr. Lee's nurse. I don't remember her name but I liked her immediately. She had a thick British accent and she called Jake "Love". As in "Can I get you some water, Love?" All people delivering bad news should do it in a cool British accent. It's much more pleasant to listen to. Plus, she was nice.

Dr. Lee did an amniocentesis. I closed my eyes because I didn't want to see the needle going into my belly. Jake held my hand against his face. He's such a good guy. The procedure didn't hurt too badly. I got scared when Baby Girl started kicking around though. I didn't want her to get hurt by the big needle.

Nice British nurse told us how to procede after the amnio.
She told me to stay hydrated.
She told me not to lift anything heavier than 10 pounds. (That rules out the cat, who currently weighs 13 pounds)
She told me not to do any intense exercising. (That has never been my problem).

We came home and held a family council with moms, dads, and siblings. They're such good people. I love them all. They listened to everything we had to say. They asked only a few questions. Then they told us things too.

They told us we were valiant spirits for taking this on.
They told us that we would be blessed for enduring our trials.
They told us they loved us.
They reminded us of the valiant ones who stood against Satan in heaven.
They told us we were giving this little girl a body so that she could be resurrected at the 2nd coming of Christ.
They told us of other women who are carrying babies that aren't going to make it.
They told us to enjoy feeling my belly move with life, because many women never get that experience.
They told us that Grandma Donna would come and get her and watch over her until we could have her back again.
They told us that we were an eternal family because of the covenants that we made in the temple.


The Spirit told us they were right.

Thank you for your prayers. Please keep them coming. We know we can survive this but we know we can't do it alone.

Our Journey into the Unknown -- Prologue and Chapter 1

In J.R.R. Tolkein's book The Hobbit, the main character writes a novel entitled "There and Back Again" about his journey into the world unknown and his travels safely home. I am going to begin the tale of our family here on this blog. Any posts that deal with our journey will be titled "Our Journey into the Unknown".

Our story actually begins many, many months ago when we learned that in order to have children we would have to make many visits to the Idaho Center for Reproductive Medicine because I have PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and would otherwise be unable to have children. After many perscriptions, self-injections, and a priesthood blessing we finally had a positive pregnancy test in October 2009.

On Friday 12 March 2010 Jacob and I went in to the doctor's office for "The Ultrasound". We were soooooo excited to find out if we were having a boy or girl. Jacob wanted a boy but promised not to be disappointed if it was a girl. I kind of wanted a boy too but was pretending that I'd rather have a girl, just to be contrary. We sat in the waiting room for over half an hour. Jacob was antsy but he didn't realize that is common procedure at the Magic Valley Women's Health Clinic. I thought we were lucky to only have to wait that long!

As we went in to the ultrasound room, we ran into a friend in the hallway and talked for a few minutes. She wished us luck. The tech lady was really nice. She answered all of our questions and described in detail what we were looking at. After a while, we got to where we could see it too. Looking at an ultrasound is like looking at one of those "Magic Eye" books: you have to focus your eyes just right to be able to see the image, but once you do that, its clear as day. Our little girl either really liked having her picture taken or didn't like it at all. Either way, she was definitely squirming all over the place. That was pretty amazing for Jake to see. I don't think he has believed me these last few weeks when I say that she is using my innards as punching bags. However she had all four limbs swinging and kicking that day.

When the nice tech lady left us she said the doctor would be right in. Again, she was speaking MVWHC speech for "sometime today, maybe". Unfortunately the doctor that we were scheduled to see was too busy to see us, so they eventually sent someone else. His name was Dr. C... . Unimportant details like names have slipped from my mind since he opened his mouth and began to speak. He reviewed the pictures the tech lady had taken. He explained that the heartbeat was strong, the kidneys were functioning, and that we were indeed having a little girl. Then he came to the picture of her head from an aerial view. He explained that the white circle was her skull, that the faint gray line we were seeing was her brain, and that the blackness inside the skull lines were fluids that were not supposed to be there. He spoke slowly and deliberately and yet I had the hardest time understanding him. He seemed to be saying that something was wrong with the baby. He was constantly apologizing and saying that he really felt badly for us. He seemed to be saying that there was no hope for our baby. The faint gray line should have been a grayness that filled the entire skull circle. There should be no blackness in that picture, and yet that was all there was. Lots and lots of blackness. He told us he would refer us to the St. Luke's Maternal Fetal Medicine Center in Boise. I cried. Alot. The condition is called Conginital Hydrocephalus. Children with congenital hydrocephaus are often delivered through c-section due to their enlarged heads, they may not live through their first year, they require multiple surgeries throughout their lives, they are often mentally delayed, and will acquire other health problems depending upon the severity of brain damage.

We made a few phone calls when we went home. Jacob, my wonderful, wonderful husband, made me eat lunch while I sat at my laptop and did research. Then he made me take a nap. While I napped he cleaned my car, visited with his Dad, and took care of things I couldn't do. When I woke up he finally took his nap. My sister, Alison, came over and brought presents, including chocolate. Teddi and Brett came over and sat with us. Doug came and gave me a much needed priesthood blessing. We made more phone calls; told more people. Jacob's grandparents organized a family fast. I told my mom about it and she organized a fast on her side too. Alex came bringing pictures from her wedding which distracted us. (Those will be posted later).

Saturday was a hard day for me. I moped around and accomplished nothing. I tried to write this blog, but cried too hard. However, today Sunday 14 March, I woke in a wonderful mood. Birds were singing outside my window. My heart was at peace. I am at peace. Jacob was in a good mood when he left for work. Our little girl is busy kicking like an olympic swimmer. Tomorrow we will be going to Boise again. But I am not worried. I feel like I can take on an army; not by myself mind you, but knowing that I am surrounded by family and friends who love us and love the Lord. I know that God has heard our prayers, I know that he has recognized the fast of our many family members and friends. I know that He will not give me more than I can take. I not only believe in miracles, I know they happen. I have been blessed today to recognize the many blessings in my life: my husband, my family, my friends, my job with good insurance, my proximity to a specialist doctor, etc, etc, etc.

Tomorrow -- Tuesday at the latest -- I will post again and let you know what we learn. In the mean time, thank you for your prayers. They have been felt and heard.

It's a . . .

Preggo Pics - mostly for Sara and Laural

It's really amazing to me how much I seem to change every day. Here are some pictures from the last few months.

Week 11 -- I was pretty sure there was a bump. Haha! My pants still buttoned! What was I thinking?

Week 17 -- Okay, NOW there's a bump!

Week 21 -- Today! This used to be one of my favorite outfits. It's not quite as flattering anymore. Sad day!

A few people have come up to touch my belly but not many. If that happens to me, I'm sure it will be later when I'm much bigger. I'm feeling pretty good though. I've only gained about 7 pounds and one of those is all baby!

Jake loves my belly. He talks to it and rubs it all the time. We are both sooooo excited for next Friday when we find out if it is a boy or a girl!!!!!

A Wedding and Other Exciting Events

Alex got married last night!! She is no longer a Fiala. Her last name is now McCombs. (tear) She was married at the White House, a reception house here is Twin Falls. Debbie Miller and everyone there did an excellent job! A friend of mine, Bethany, did the photography. Here is a link to the bridals: The bride and groom!
Alison, Annie C., Donna, and myself were the bridesmaids. We had a ball walking down the aisle with our beautiful bouquets. I know temple marriages are the ideal, but there is something to be said for walking down the aisle like a princess. We had a lot of fun! Alex totally looked like a princess too. She was beautiful in her specially tailored dress. It was hemmed shorter in the front to show off her fabulous shoes.

Annie and Donna -- my beautiful cousins!
Jake and I during the reception.

There was a good turnout of family and friends at the reception. Uncle Randy and Aunt Gwen flew in from Cincinnati, Ohio and many local friends and family came too.

Super Dad!!

Rylee Mae!!
Dad and Uncle Gary!

Other exciting events: I am finally at 20 weeks! Half way there!!! We have an appointment for an ultrasound on the 12th of March. Hopefully we will be able to find out if we are having a boy or a girl. I know there are some bets at school involving the exchange of candy bars to the winner. The “goldfish feeling” is getting more pronounced every day. Those pictures soon to come!!

I have come to the conclusion that there is a goldfish doing backflips in my tummy.

In a Jam!

Since it was a snowy Sunday Stake Conference day, I decided it would be a good day to make some jam. Two summers ago, I picked and froze several gallons of strawberries. Over the last few years I have bought frozen raspberries and mixed berries assumming that I may need them or could use them in a smoothie. So day I turned them all into jam. I made one batch of strawberry jam, one batch of raspberry jam, and one batch of Berry Medley jam.

I used thirteen and a half cups of sugar and it took three and a half hours but my freezer is stocked with enough jam to last for years.

I made freezer jam, not cooked jam, but I used the stove top

because the rest of my counter space was being used for the other

steps of the process. While one batch of jam was being worked on,

one was "resting" - absorbing the pectin, and berries were thawing.

It was a busy kitchen.

Jake was a big helper! He carried the sugar upstairs for me

and helped me do the dishes!

He also took pictures of himself being sexy!

Spring Fever

The sun was shining today!!!! Before I knew it, I had caught spring fever! I am beginning to get very exited about getting out into my new yard and begin planting!!
I don't have room for a large garden so I've had to get creative. What I do have is two large decks. One in the back that is shaded all day long, and the other gets partial sun mostly in the mornings. I've decided to create a "container garden" by planting all of my vegetables, herbs, and flowers in pots to decorate with on the porch.
Unfortunately, I don't really know what I'm doing. This week, I'm going to the library to get books, but what I'm really looking for is some advice. If you've ever tried to plant tomatoes, potatoes, onions, cucumbers, peas, strawberries, or herbs help!!!!

I'll continue to update as I begin my new experiment in gardening. Wish me luck and lets all hope that spring is on its way!

Wow -- I'm a slacker!

I can't believe that I haven't posted in over a month and a half! Life has been busy around here though. I think I'll start in the present and work my way backwards through December.

First of all, the first semester of the school year is over!! We're halfway through the school year, which is very exciting. I have never been as challenged in my work as I have been this year and I will be glad to look back at an entire year and know that I survived. Jake came into school on Friday night and helped me finish up my paperwork. I've spent this weekend working on plans for second semester.

Second, we've entered our second trimester of the pregnancy! I can finally relax a little bit knowing that the time for the most miscarriages is in the past. At 14 weeks the baby is the size of a lemon, supposedly. People tell me I'm showing but they usually say that right after I've eaten lunch so I don't get too excited. My pants don't button comfortably though, so that shows progress. The kids at school are excited too. They can't wait to meet the baby. I keep telling them it won't be born until July but they don't seem to be listening. At least once a week they ask me if I'll bring it in to school to show them.

Onto Christmas! We had a very nice Christmas but I completely forgot to take pictures! We followed our usual tradition with Christmas Eve with my parents, Christmas day with Jake's parents, and then Christmas night at my aunt and uncels house. Jake bought us (himself) a pool table for Christmas. It's beautiful and is getting a lot of use. I spent at least 14 hours a day sleeping over Christmas break. :) We had a very nice time.

Not as nice as my sister Alex though! She is engaged! The wedding will be on February 26th, which is coming up really fast. Last Thursday, Annie and Donna came over to help us send invitations. They're good helpers and we were done in less than two hours. Now its time for Alison and I to put together the Bridal shower. Next Saturday we're going to Salt Lake to pick up Alex's dress which is getting altered.

Before Christmas I got to go to the Nutcracker Ballet with my mom and her friends. It was amazing. I have fallen in love with the ballet and can't wait to see another one. I have decided that I want to be a ballerina when I grow up. I'm also hoping that my baby is a girl so that we can go watch ballets together. Oh heck, even if it is a boy I'll still be dragging him to the ballet. It was great. Thanks for letting us know it was being performed Kaylene!

Well, that is my update. 2010 is going to be a busy, crazy year for us and I can't wait to see how it turns out!