Taking a Break

After our disappointing news last weekend, Jacob and I had some decisions to make.  

We have two embryos in cryopreservation, which means that we have one more chance to get pregnant on this session of IVF.  However, we have decided to wait until January or February of next year before we try another implantation.

I am tired of putting my body through hormone injections and I am tired of having my heart broken. Plus, it seems like a lousy way to spend Christmas- constantly afraid that anything I do wrong will cause me to lose the embryos. Again.

So, for the next few weeks my posts will be about something other than infertility. But we’ll probably let you know when we begin again because we need all the prayers that we can get!

Things for Which I Am Thankful

• Jacob
• My wonderful family
• My wonderful friends
• My faith in my Heavenly Father (even though sometimes I get kind of mad at Him. Is that allowed?)
• My job as an educator:
  • the great kids I have this year
  • the great administrators (seriously THE BEST)
  • the great co-workers at OMS
  • teaching a subject that I enjoy
  • the good benefits
  • my salary which gives us some money for playing and paying for things like IVF.
• Sammy, my puppy and Frank, my kitty
• My neighborhood – clean, safe, good neighbors, close to work, close to grocery store, close to the cemetery,
• The advances in medical technology that keep giving me hope.
• The advances in communication technology like Skype, Facebook, and blogging.
• My home:
  • warm bed to sleep in
  • fridge full of food
  • washer and dryer
  • hot shower
• Books, stories, movies, and other fun relaxing escapes from reality
• Coca-Cola and Chocolate
• Pizza that is delivered with cheesy breadsticks
• Pens – I love pens!
• The holiday season
• Thanksgiving feasts!

Negative Results

I knew this morning when I woke up and saw that I had begun bleeding that the news that I got today was probably not going to be positive.  I tried to convince myself that everything was fine, lots of women continue to have periods when they are pregnant, but I knew. Deep down, I knew.

I held myself together until after my blood draw. Then I had a meltdown in the hospital parking lot.  My sister-in-law calmed me down. On the way home, I had a strong feeling of peace that everything was going to be okay. That didn’t really stop the crying though.

I got the official call from the Idaho Center for Reproductive Medicine as I was pulling into the Smith’s grocery store. Even though I knew what she was going to say, it didn’t make it any easier to hear.  I sat there in my car for over 20 minutes. Every time I thought that I was composed enough to go into the store something would trigger another onslaught of tears. After some encouraging texts from my little sister I was able to get my groceries and get home.

I feel like I am completely torn in half. On the one hand, I was so positive that I was pregnant and the truth is devastating. I feel disappointed, I feel angry, I feel so very sad. On the other hand, that warm, fuzzy feeling that I had earlier helped to prepare me, I suppose. As I was leaving the grocery store parking lot, an ambulance zoomed past with lights flashing and horns blaring. I found myself thinking that I am grateful that wasn’t me or one of my family members, and hoping it wasn’t someone I knew in there. It’s hard to be too sad when you’re busy being grateful you’re alive and well and not celebrating Thanksgiving in a hospital.

I have worn myself out with worrying all morning and crying all afternoon. It’s time to take a nice long relaxing nap, drink a Coke (thanks, friend), and try not to think too much.  

A Non-Update

I am sorry that I haven’t posted lately.  I have discovered something frustrating about IVF.  Like all other types of conception there is a waiting period before I know if I am pregnant or not.  Grrr. I hate being patient. 

In my case the waiting period is almost two weeks!! So, since embryo implantation was last Sunday I won’t know anything definite until next WEDNESDAY! And if you think that is long for you to wait, well, let me tell you… it is killing me!!!  Every few hours I think, “gee I have to go to the bathroom again?” or “ooh, I am kind of sore today,” or “something smells really strong right now, I wonder if my nose is extra sensitive right now?” . I am very much a hypochondriac.

Anyway, for those of you who are being optimistic here are some statistics. There is a 58% chance of at least one of the two embryos sticking around to become a cute little person.  There is a 15% chance of both little embryos sticking around.

For those of you who are more pessimistic here are some statistics for you: there is a 42% that neither embryo will stick around, and there is a 15% chance that both little embryos will be sticking around.

(As you can see, I haven’t made up my mind on the twins thing. Two for the price of one?! Yes!!! Eek, what am I thinking?!!?? Twins would be soooo cute!!! How could I handle it?! But. . . )

Okay, well, I’d better go twiddle my fingers in the other room. If I stay on my laptop any longer I’ll start creating one of those silly pregnancy tickers, and probably start shopping for nursery decorations, and looking at baby name websites. Oh wait, I’ve already done those things. 

Thankful for my problems

Well, first of all I feel that I need to apologize. I need to apologize to all the couples out there who have been struggling with fertility issues for a long time and have not been able to find a cure. How dare I complain and moan after one stressful weekend?! I am actually incredibly blessed. I have a diagnosis for one thing. It is actually quite comforting when a doctor can you tell you exactly what is wrong with you and how she is going to fix it. I recently met up with a friend who has been doing IVF for six months with no success. She is frustrated and upset and I don't blame her a bit. Listening to her struggles made me grateful for my own. The lesson I've learned: be thankful for my challenges in life because I can guarantee that someone in this big, wide world is worse off than me.

Speaking of fixing my problems: I went up to Boise on Tuesday and they began the IVF process. They put me under general anesthesia (oh how I both love and loathe anesthesia) and very carefully pulled out all of my multitude of eggs with a very sharp syringe thing.

Okay, so I don't actually know how it happened because I was in dreamland and never actually saw a thing. One moment the doctor is asking the nurse about her favorite vacation cruises and the next moment they were telling me that they were all finished. Kinda trippy.

Anyway, I talked to the IVF coordinator this morning and she said that everything looked like it was going well. I will go back up this weekend and then we cross our fingers and hope.

A Cinderella IF

Do you remember that part in Cinderella when the heroine of the story wants to go to the ball?  The evil stepmother says of course she can go to the ball, IF she gets all of her work done.

In other words, keep on wishing Cinderella ‘cause life has to get a whole lot more difficult before it is going to get any better.

I feel like I was given a Cinderella IF this weekend. We had an ultrasound on Friday afternoon that showed images that shocked even my expert doctors. Apparently the medication worked too well and, while I don’t really want to get into all of the personal details, they are changing their course of action so that I don’t end up with a dozen children and my own reality TV show.

That leaves us with two options.

• Option 1: We go on birth control and not try to get pregnant this month. All of the medication, money, and self-injections considered a failure.
• Option 2: We make an abrupt detour in another direction and begin in-vitro fertilization (IVF) treatments.

We decided to try the IVF. If it didn’t work than we were in the same place we would be at the end of option 1 and at least we could say we had tried everything. Right?

Well, tonight I am wondering if I am crazy. Today I heard the word “if” at least a million times. And it turns out that IF all of those ifs pan out then maybe we will end up with a baby. If my hormone levels are at the right place tomorrow, and if they can find the medication that they need (which they don’t have), and if I can get the days off from work, and if all the sciencey stuff works…. if, if, if, if, if.  Who knew such a small word would make such a big impact on my day?

This is my first round of IVF. I have heard of women who go through this for months and months.  I wanted to give up after 24 hours.  How do they handle the stress? My hat is off to you ladies. If this doesn’t work this month, I may start filling out adoption papers.

A Big Sigh of Relief

Phew!!!

Everything is going to be fine. It always is, really. I work myself up into a tizzy worrying about things that are completely out of my control. I need to learn to sit back, take a deep breathe and a long sip on a Coca-Cola and say, "What can I do to make this situation better?" If the answer is nothing, then so be it.

I have been able to schedule in all of the appointments that I needed and the pharmacy came through as promised. The medications may or may not work, but again, that is out of my control. I am going to sit back, relax, and enjoy my Halloween evening.

As a side note, if you or someone that you know is looking for some inspirational reading about infertility I recommend this blog: http://blog.freedomfertility.com

Have a wonderful day!

The Stresses of Infertility

First off, I kind of want to apologize for my last post on infertility. Obviously I was a little emotional when I wrote it – otherwise I would have never accused people of “not understanding”. Lots of people have expressed sympathy and kindness. Thank you.

Also, I can’t believe how many people have contacted me about their infertility issues or the infertility of family members since I last posted about infertility. And, really, if you have a sister or a cousin or a close friend with infertility, you really are almost as heart broken as they are. And it is much, much more common than one might realize.

Anyway, today I’m going to talk about how stressful infertility can be. This weekend was one of the most stressful EVER!

Why can’t life just be easy?  Why must there always be another challenge?  It doesn’t seem fair. I mean, I get past one problem just to run into another one. Why?!?!

Can you tell that I am frustrated? But I should probably start with some back ground information.  I am seeing the doctors at the Idaho Center for Reproductive Medicine in Boise, but because of the distance and time involved in getting to Boise I have my appointments here in Twin Falls. The technicians here e-mail the test results etc. to Boise and then we consult over the phone. Supposedly it is “easier”. Also, the very, very expensive medication that I have been taking is “time-sensitive”. I’ll explain as I go along.

On Friday I had an appointment in Twin Falls at 12:30.  When I called Boise at 3:30 to consult with them I ended up in a several hour game of phone tag full of miscommunications and anxiety.

• I called the Boise clinic and they prescribed more medicine,
• then I had to call a pharmacy on the east coast to ask them to overnight it and they said that they would once the doctor sent in the prescription,
• then the clinic in Boise called me to confirm that they had sent in my prescription and to remind me to double-check with the pharmacy,
• and then I had to call the pharmacy back to make sure they received it but then they told me that it was too late to be overnighted and I wouldn’t get it until at least Monday (even though it had only been about 20 minutes between conversations the e-mail from my doctor had arrived just after the deadline for overnight shipping – I was sooo mad!),
• and then I had to call my nurse in Boise back and she was super annoyed at the pharmacy. I was out of luck and out of medications which basically meant that the last few weeks of pills, self-injections, and hundreds of dollars were wasted because I can’t go three days without medications.  It just won’t work and we would have to try again next month. (This is where I became really emotional).

Luckily the nurse in Boise found an emergency supply of medication, but the catch was that I had to drive up and get it.  Their office is only open from 8:00 a.m to 10:00 a.m. on Saturdays. So instead of sleeping in Saturday morning (I know, I’m such a whiner) I got up at six-thirty, met my wonderful mom at a gas station in Twin Falls, and we made the two hour drive together. 

Once we got there everything was fine. I picked up the prescription, we went and did some shopping at Tai Pan Trading, went to the Olive Garden for lunch, had a fun drive home  and we were home by 5:00.  The day wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t what I wanted to spend my weekend doing.  All of my other plans went out the window because I had to have that medication and I had to have it immediately.

The stressing isn’t over.  I am supposed to have another appointment in Twin Falls on Monday, but the Boise clinic didn’t tell me that until the Twin Falls office was already closed.  I am hoping that I can call in early tomorrow morning and squeeze in somewhere. If I can’t, well, then it is possible that all of the stress, money, and emergency drive were still all a waste of time. If I do manage to somehow get pregnant this month it will be a complete miracle because as far as I can tell the universe is conspiring against me. 

But writing out my frustrations makes me feel better.  It makes me step out of my problems and look at them more objectively. I am feeling a little bit better already.

Halloween-ey!

Halloween is only a fun holiday if one really gets into it.  This year I am trying harder to catch that spooky Halloween-ey vibe.  We put out the Halloween decorations, including cute witches and huge scary spiders!

Tonight I decided we should carve some pumpkins. 

Jake got into it more than I thought he would.

I had a lot of fun too.

Sara joined us from Albuquerque to give us advice and encouragement.

They turned out nicely.  Don’t you think so? 

A Little Thank You–A Big Difference

Why do people become teachers?  Particularly teachers of middle school? Ask a middle school teacher you know and get back to me on that.  I bet that there are as many reasons as there are teachers.  For example:

• They like working with children.
• They like having  their summers free.
• They’re gluttons for punishment.
• They do it for the money.

Some days I wonder why I became a teacher.  There are some days when the lesson planning, and the unhappy parents, and the multiple meetings, and the discipline issues, and the middle school-er b.o. all join forces into one deadly combination that make me want to turn in my resignation and walk away.

Today was one of those days.

My lessons for the day weren’t ready- I needed to make 170 copies, type up a presentation, grade assignments that are piling up on my desk, and be at a committee meeting this morning by 7:30 a.m.  Unfortunately I slept in (I didn’t get up until 6:10 this morning!! Eep!!) and I didn’t get to school until 7:10! (I also had to swing by the ATM and get cash to give to a student doing a fundraiser. I don’t remember what it was for but I’ll be getting a Christmas scented candle out of the deal).  Long story short: I skipped the committee meeting, made the copies right before the bell rang, finished typing the presentation while I was giving it, and brought the papers home to grade tonight.

Anyway  what is the point of this, you ask?

Well, during 2nd period today a wonderful thing happened.  A former student, now a senior at TFHS, stopped by my classroom.  He came by to thank me for being his teacher 5 years ago.  He said that I have been his most inspirational teacher.

Did I tear up? Yes. Did I grin like an idiot? Probably. Was I floating on air when he left? Absolutely.  He didn’t have to do that. But of all the days to do it, I am glad that he picked today. Because it made all of my problems disappear.  Those few moments in my room made the rest of the day seem bright and cheery. Somehow I didn’t have a single discipline problem the entire rest of the day. 

I think maybe my favorite part of that moment was seeing the changes in him.  He is still the shy, quiet, boy that I remember. But now he is at least three times his previous size (serious growth spurt) and he has so much self confidence.  He looked grown up, mature, and ready to take on the world.

I don’t know exactly what motivated me to become a teacher back in college, but now my favorite part of being a teacher is running into former students. I like to see what they’re doing with their lives. I like to see what they look like when they’ve outgrown the braces, the acne, and the silly haircuts.  I like to see if they still remember all 23 helping verbs. Ha ha. (They never do.)

Okay, so I didn’t write this post so that I could brag about myself.  I don’t really know why I wrote it. Other than maybe to encourage you, my readers, to find someone who has meant something to you or one of your children and say thank you. That one moment from your day will do untold amounts of good.  I’ve had approximately 700 students pass through my classroom doorway in the last 6 years and I still remember almost every one of them (their names, if not their faces.) Hearing from the . . . um . . . 20 or so that keep in touch makes me get out of bed every morning and get back to work.

That’s why I teach middle school.