Negative Results

I knew this morning when I woke up and saw that I had begun bleeding that the news that I got today was probably not going to be positive.  I tried to convince myself that everything was fine, lots of women continue to have periods when they are pregnant, but I knew. Deep down, I knew.

I held myself together until after my blood draw. Then I had a meltdown in the hospital parking lot.  My sister-in-law calmed me down. On the way home, I had a strong feeling of peace that everything was going to be okay. That didn’t really stop the crying though.

I got the official call from the Idaho Center for Reproductive Medicine as I was pulling into the Smith’s grocery store. Even though I knew what she was going to say, it didn’t make it any easier to hear.  I sat there in my car for over 20 minutes. Every time I thought that I was composed enough to go into the store something would trigger another onslaught of tears. After some encouraging texts from my little sister I was able to get my groceries and get home.

I feel like I am completely torn in half. On the one hand, I was so positive that I was pregnant and the truth is devastating. I feel disappointed, I feel angry, I feel so very sad. On the other hand, that warm, fuzzy feeling that I had earlier helped to prepare me, I suppose. As I was leaving the grocery store parking lot, an ambulance zoomed past with lights flashing and horns blaring. I found myself thinking that I am grateful that wasn’t me or one of my family members, and hoping it wasn’t someone I knew in there. It’s hard to be too sad when you’re busy being grateful you’re alive and well and not celebrating Thanksgiving in a hospital.

I have worn myself out with worrying all morning and crying all afternoon. It’s time to take a nice long relaxing nap, drink a Coke (thanks, friend), and try not to think too much.