Trying IVF Again

I just got off the phone with the doctor’s office in Boise. They have a plan, they’re confident in their abilities, and I am feeling really good today. I am letting that familiar feeling of hope begin to settle in to my soul again. It’s kind of scary to have hope. It opens me back up to pain of failure.

I had an appointment yesterday which was kind of hard to get through. It was a painful procedure that resulted in the same information that we already knew. I felt that the whole thing was a waste of time, but in the interest of letting go and just trusting in the grand scheme of things, I went anyway. We got to go out to dinner afterwards, so the trip wasn’t a complete waste of time.

I am nervous about my extensive calendar of medications. Some meds are taken every day, some are taken twice a day, some are taken every third day. Jennifer, my specialist, has created a color-coded calendar that outlines my medical plan and comes with detailed instructions of what to do and when to do it.

I probably won’t have a lot to update on the subject for several weeks. I just have lots of medications to take and waiting to do. The official day of embryo transfer is March 16^th. That’s when things will get a bit more exciting. Two weeks after that, we’ll know our results!

That is so much easier said than done...

Who’s Really in Charge Here?

It’s been over a month since I blogged about my infertility. However, it has not been far from my mind. Very much the opposite, in fact.  I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve been approaching the whole. . . situation, for lack of a better word, incorrectly.

On the one hand, I am trying to convince myself that I am acting in faith. I tell myself that when the Lord says that it is time for me to be a mother, then I will be. But then I turn right around and I stress about the statistics of success rates and I worry about what the doctors are going to do or say. 

Who am I really putting my faith in: my Heavenly Father or the doctors?

So here is the deal. The NEW deal. We are going to go back up to the doctors in the next few weeks, and we are going to do the implantation of the two embryos in crypto preservation. However, I am NOT going to stress about whether or not it works. I am NOT going to jump online every ten minutes to read about what “experts” have to say about IVF. I am NOT going to hype myself up about being pregnant or worry about losing the embryos.

Why? Because it does not matter how many blogs I read, or websites I look at, if the Lord says, “No, this is not your time” than there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I can do about it. If the Lord decides to say, “Yep, here’s your baby” it won’t be because I googled “IVF success rates” or decided to cross my legs in just the right way.  It doesn’t work like that. Life doesn’t work like that.  I have to back off and trust that this is what the Lord wants for me.  I will go to these doctors because they are successful, intelligent people. I will listen to their advice, and take the medicines that they recommend. And then I will sit back and say, “I have done all that I can do, and the rest is up to You.”

Holiday Update

I really didn't mean to disappear for over a month. When I said I was taking a break, I didn't actually mean from blogging. I guess if I’m not blogging about babies or school I don’t have much to say. Actually that’s not true at all. I just don’t have enough time to say it!! So, I will update with some pictures.

Right after Thanksgiving, Jacob helped me decorate the house. It was so nice to have him home to share in these holiday traditions. He even put lights on the outside of the house for me! In the dark even!

Jake completely spoiled me at Christmas time. Not only did I get a Nook Tablet and some cookware, I also got this little treasure.

We went to Albuquerque, New Mexico for the New Year. It was wonderful! It’s always fun to spend time with family!! For more pictures of our trip there please visit Sara’s blog here.

And now it is 2012! School is back in session as usual and life is settling into a good routine again.

More posts to come in the near future! Seriously, lots of posts!

Taking a Break

After our disappointing news last weekend, Jacob and I had some decisions to make.  

We have two embryos in cryopreservation, which means that we have one more chance to get pregnant on this session of IVF.  However, we have decided to wait until January or February of next year before we try another implantation.

I am tired of putting my body through hormone injections and I am tired of having my heart broken. Plus, it seems like a lousy way to spend Christmas- constantly afraid that anything I do wrong will cause me to lose the embryos. Again.

So, for the next few weeks my posts will be about something other than infertility. But we’ll probably let you know when we begin again because we need all the prayers that we can get!

Things for Which I Am Thankful

• Jacob
• My wonderful family
• My wonderful friends
• My faith in my Heavenly Father (even though sometimes I get kind of mad at Him. Is that allowed?)
• My job as an educator:
  • the great kids I have this year
  • the great administrators (seriously THE BEST)
  • the great co-workers at OMS
  • teaching a subject that I enjoy
  • the good benefits
  • my salary which gives us some money for playing and paying for things like IVF.
• Sammy, my puppy and Frank, my kitty
• My neighborhood – clean, safe, good neighbors, close to work, close to grocery store, close to the cemetery,
• The advances in medical technology that keep giving me hope.
• The advances in communication technology like Skype, Facebook, and blogging.
• My home:
  • warm bed to sleep in
  • fridge full of food
  • washer and dryer
  • hot shower
• Books, stories, movies, and other fun relaxing escapes from reality
• Coca-Cola and Chocolate
• Pizza that is delivered with cheesy breadsticks
• Pens – I love pens!
• The holiday season
• Thanksgiving feasts!

Negative Results

I knew this morning when I woke up and saw that I had begun bleeding that the news that I got today was probably not going to be positive.  I tried to convince myself that everything was fine, lots of women continue to have periods when they are pregnant, but I knew. Deep down, I knew.

I held myself together until after my blood draw. Then I had a meltdown in the hospital parking lot.  My sister-in-law calmed me down. On the way home, I had a strong feeling of peace that everything was going to be okay. That didn’t really stop the crying though.

I got the official call from the Idaho Center for Reproductive Medicine as I was pulling into the Smith’s grocery store. Even though I knew what she was going to say, it didn’t make it any easier to hear.  I sat there in my car for over 20 minutes. Every time I thought that I was composed enough to go into the store something would trigger another onslaught of tears. After some encouraging texts from my little sister I was able to get my groceries and get home.

I feel like I am completely torn in half. On the one hand, I was so positive that I was pregnant and the truth is devastating. I feel disappointed, I feel angry, I feel so very sad. On the other hand, that warm, fuzzy feeling that I had earlier helped to prepare me, I suppose. As I was leaving the grocery store parking lot, an ambulance zoomed past with lights flashing and horns blaring. I found myself thinking that I am grateful that wasn’t me or one of my family members, and hoping it wasn’t someone I knew in there. It’s hard to be too sad when you’re busy being grateful you’re alive and well and not celebrating Thanksgiving in a hospital.

I have worn myself out with worrying all morning and crying all afternoon. It’s time to take a nice long relaxing nap, drink a Coke (thanks, friend), and try not to think too much.  

A Non-Update

I am sorry that I haven’t posted lately.  I have discovered something frustrating about IVF.  Like all other types of conception there is a waiting period before I know if I am pregnant or not.  Grrr. I hate being patient. 

In my case the waiting period is almost two weeks!! So, since embryo implantation was last Sunday I won’t know anything definite until next WEDNESDAY! And if you think that is long for you to wait, well, let me tell you… it is killing me!!!  Every few hours I think, “gee I have to go to the bathroom again?” or “ooh, I am kind of sore today,” or “something smells really strong right now, I wonder if my nose is extra sensitive right now?” . I am very much a hypochondriac.

Anyway, for those of you who are being optimistic here are some statistics. There is a 58% chance of at least one of the two embryos sticking around to become a cute little person.  There is a 15% chance of both little embryos sticking around.

For those of you who are more pessimistic here are some statistics for you: there is a 42% that neither embryo will stick around, and there is a 15% chance that both little embryos will be sticking around.

(As you can see, I haven’t made up my mind on the twins thing. Two for the price of one?! Yes!!! Eek, what am I thinking?!!?? Twins would be soooo cute!!! How could I handle it?! But. . . )

Okay, well, I’d better go twiddle my fingers in the other room. If I stay on my laptop any longer I’ll start creating one of those silly pregnancy tickers, and probably start shopping for nursery decorations, and looking at baby name websites. Oh wait, I’ve already done those things. 

Thankful for my problems

Well, first of all I feel that I need to apologize. I need to apologize to all the couples out there who have been struggling with fertility issues for a long time and have not been able to find a cure. How dare I complain and moan after one stressful weekend?! I am actually incredibly blessed. I have a diagnosis for one thing. It is actually quite comforting when a doctor can you tell you exactly what is wrong with you and how she is going to fix it. I recently met up with a friend who has been doing IVF for six months with no success. She is frustrated and upset and I don't blame her a bit. Listening to her struggles made me grateful for my own. The lesson I've learned: be thankful for my challenges in life because I can guarantee that someone in this big, wide world is worse off than me.

Speaking of fixing my problems: I went up to Boise on Tuesday and they began the IVF process. They put me under general anesthesia (oh how I both love and loathe anesthesia) and very carefully pulled out all of my multitude of eggs with a very sharp syringe thing.

Okay, so I don't actually know how it happened because I was in dreamland and never actually saw a thing. One moment the doctor is asking the nurse about her favorite vacation cruises and the next moment they were telling me that they were all finished. Kinda trippy.

Anyway, I talked to the IVF coordinator this morning and she said that everything looked like it was going well. I will go back up this weekend and then we cross our fingers and hope.

A Cinderella IF

Do you remember that part in Cinderella when the heroine of the story wants to go to the ball?  The evil stepmother says of course she can go to the ball, IF she gets all of her work done.

In other words, keep on wishing Cinderella ‘cause life has to get a whole lot more difficult before it is going to get any better.

I feel like I was given a Cinderella IF this weekend. We had an ultrasound on Friday afternoon that showed images that shocked even my expert doctors. Apparently the medication worked too well and, while I don’t really want to get into all of the personal details, they are changing their course of action so that I don’t end up with a dozen children and my own reality TV show.

That leaves us with two options.

• Option 1: We go on birth control and not try to get pregnant this month. All of the medication, money, and self-injections considered a failure.
• Option 2: We make an abrupt detour in another direction and begin in-vitro fertilization (IVF) treatments.

We decided to try the IVF. If it didn’t work than we were in the same place we would be at the end of option 1 and at least we could say we had tried everything. Right?

Well, tonight I am wondering if I am crazy. Today I heard the word “if” at least a million times. And it turns out that IF all of those ifs pan out then maybe we will end up with a baby. If my hormone levels are at the right place tomorrow, and if they can find the medication that they need (which they don’t have), and if I can get the days off from work, and if all the sciencey stuff works…. if, if, if, if, if.  Who knew such a small word would make such a big impact on my day?

This is my first round of IVF. I have heard of women who go through this for months and months.  I wanted to give up after 24 hours.  How do they handle the stress? My hat is off to you ladies. If this doesn’t work this month, I may start filling out adoption papers.