Chapter 14: I Buried My Baby

I buried my baby today. It was one of the most heart wrenching steps of this ordeal. She was laid out in a white blessing gown sewn especially for a micro-preemie, and she had a little white head band on her head. Her beautiful little face was at peace. She almost had a smile on her lips. Her hands laid gently to her side. She was beautiful. We sat there, Jake and I, with our mothers on either side of us, in front of a tiny, sweet white casket. The sun was warm, the breeze was gentle, and I felt a beautiful peace in my heart. Still I cried. Alot. I couldn't help myself. My little tiny baby is gone. I know this. I know her soul is in Heaven. And yet, her sweet angelic little face was sleeping so peacefully in front of me and I cried. I didn't cry for Julia. She feels no pain and the life she would have had, even if she had lived, would have never been a life worth living. I cried for myself. I cried for my husband. I cried because I could and because I wanted to. I wanted a baby so badly and the Lord gave me a perfect soul to love forever. But my arms were empty and the casket was full, and life didn't seem fair at that moment. I know the body in that casket was simply a shell, used to house her beautiful spirit while she was here on earth. Her spirit was there, in our hearts, where it will remain forever. Still, no mother should have to bury her children. No father should have to dedicate his child's grave. Jake, by the way, did a perfect job. He is strong and steady, even when I know he doesn't always want to be strong and steady. He is my strength.

After the service we came back to the house where we were loved and hugged by countless numbers of people. I will never again feel alone or unnoticed. I was overwhelmed by the scores of family and friends who came to show their support. Thank you. To have come home to an empty house would have been a burden we could not have borne. But to come home to a house full of love, and some laughter, and warm, comforting embraces, made this day bearable. The Relief Society took care of most of the refreshments and they did a wonderful job. Everyone's contributions were wonderful. Just as there are no words of comfort to offer to Jacob and I at this time except "I love you," there are no words to express my gratitude to my family and friends except "thank you," and "we love you."

It will be time now to find our new "normal" as one friend said today. Tomorrow we will have to come to the realization that there are no more preparations to make, there are no important decisions to occupy our minds. Now we can begin to heal, to move forward with our lives. Julia is a beautiful part of our lives, and we will carry her forward with us, but now we must balance our pain and our grief, with life in the real world. We must tuck her away in our hearts as we pick up our hobbies, return to work (Jacob, not me -- it's summer time for me), continue the yard work, and strengthen ourselves for the next challenge life springs on us. Please continue to include us in your prayers. It is the source of our strength and with your love we will make it.