The Beginnings of a New Journey

They say that when God closes a door, he opens a window. Sometimes I think that when God closes a door, he makes several windows available to us and it is our job to pick the one we want and open it ourselves.
In our case, I feel that God has, at least temporarily, closed the door to us having our own children. And with the many windows available to us we have made a decision. We are going to adopt.
In fact, we began the adoption process today. This morning we met with Brother Jacobia from the LDS Family Services office here in Twin Falls. We received lots of information and a packet of forms to fill out so thick that one may think we were applying for a National Security clearance, not parenthood. Despite the overwhelming amount of information that we received, or maybe because of it, I am getting very excited about our decision to adopt.
It will be a slow process, I can see that already. First, we will need to fill out all of the paperwork including back ground checks, physicals from our doctors, letters of recommendation, and surveys. Next, we will have to complete ten hours of adoption training and have a home study done too. Then, we will write up our profile in an attempt to impress a birth mother with what wonderful people we are. Finally, we sit back and wait to be chosen. It will be a journey fraught with disappointments, setbacks, and struggle but I have a very good feeling that it will end with a happily ever after.
If you know of anyone who is thinking of placing her child in adoptive care, please let her know about us. Share our story with her and encourage her to contact us.  We are at the mercy of word of mouth contacts and we are hoping for your help on the path that we have chosen. 

Two Years

I’m a bit behind on updating about Julia’s second birthday.  It’s not that I forgot – is such a thing even possible? – it’s that I am not quite sure how to say what I want to say.
I feel like I am so much different than I was two years ago. I can’t even tell you how I’m different either. More serious? Maybe. More alive? Maybe that too. And this birthday has been a strange thing to experience. It wasn’t as heart breaking as I thought it would be, and it was much more special than I anticipated.
I spent the day on a fishing field trip with my students. It was busy and hectic, which kept my mind occupied. When I was finally alone, sunburnt and tired, I had a good cry in my classroom before I went home. That evening both of our families met at the house. We went to the cemetery where we dropped off flowers, then went to the River Rock Grill for dinner. It was nice to see everyone and to spend time visiting. All in all it was a good day.
I think about Julia every single day- no exaggeration. She is on the tip of my tongue and the forefront of my thoughts in every situation at every moment.  When I walk into the family room I think, “If she were here there would be toys on the floor,” and when I walk into a restaurant I think, “If she were here I would need to ask for a booster seat.” It’s always just a passing thought; it lasts no longer than a second. I’ve gotten used to it, and my mind jumps back to reality almost instantly.
I don’t cry nearly as often as I used to, other than last week it has been several months since I had a good Julia-cry. However, I doubt that I will ever stop crying completely. Sometimes that extra surge of emotion sneaks up on me when I least expect it. Strangely, it is usually at times that should be happy. Happy things make me think of Julia and then that makes me cry. Is that weird?
This all sounds so sad. I knew it probably wasn’t going to come out quite right. I’m happy. I’m very happy with everything in my life. I don’t want anyone to get the idea that I am mopey or sad all of the time. I really am not. A little bit haunted maybe, but it is a ghost that I have no desire to rid myself of. So, two years after the birth and death of my beautiful daughter, I feel that I am healing and improving every day. I’ll never forget her, but I am getting ready to move on with my life.
Hopefully there will be a blog about that in the near future!

New Spring- New Life

The beginning of each season is always special.

When autumn arrives I ooh and ahh over the changing leaf colors and glory in the purchasing of school supplies.

When the first snowflakes begin to tumble from the sky, I pull out my warm gloves and scarves, crank up the heat, and sip from steaming mugs of hot cocoa.

By mid-season I am always ready for something new. No matter how mighty the snow storms, February can’t go by fast enough. And despite the yummy foods of harvest and autumn holidays, I always look forward to the novelty of winter.

The Bible and the Byrds were right- to everything there is a season!

 

Now it is time to revel in Spring. I love Spring. I love it for many reasons:

• the rain - spring rain is better than autumn rain. That is all.
• the first flowers- tulips, daffodils, and crocuses seem to pop up out of no where and wave their happy little heads around in the breeze
• the sun - where did you disappear to, O Happy Face? Welcome back!!

For any of you out there who missed it- today was a glorious day!

I got sunburnt while weeding, cleaning, and pruning my yard. It felt good to yank those big ‘ol weeds right out of the ground and then stand back and see the job completed.  (Ha, that’s not quite how it went down but it sounds better this way- so glad that Jake was home to lend muscles to my weakness!)

And as I stood, leaning on my rake, watching Jacob mow the lawn, I had a moment of great appreciation for all things spring and all things good.

In fact, I was reminded of my second favorite chapter in my number one favorite book.

The grass whispered under his body. He put his arm down, feeling the sheath of fuzz on it, and, far away, below, his toes creaking in his shoes. The wind sighed over his shelled ears. The world slipped bright over the glassy round of his eyeballs like images sparkled in a crystal sphere. Flowers were suns and fiery spots of sky strewn through the woodland. Birds flickered like skipped stones across the vast inverted pond of heaven. His breath raked over his teeth, going in ice, coming out fire. Insects shocked the air with electric clearness. Ten thousand individual hairs grew a millionth of an inch on his head. He heard the twin hearts beating in each ear, the third heart beating in his throat, the two hearts throbbing his wrists, the real heart pounding his chest. The million pores on his body opened.

I’m really alive! he thought. I never knew it before, or if I did I don’t remember.

 Dandelion Wine, Ray Bradbury c 1946

There is something about the combination of the heat of the sun, the smell of the composting earth, the sight of the baby leaves, the feel of the smooth grass, and the taste of salty sweat that always reminds me of how lucky I am to be alive! 

Have you ever had a moment like that? A moment where you suddenly realized what it meant to be alive?  Really alive?! When, like Douglas Spaulding, you want to “…feel all there is to feel” ?

Life IS Fair

I've had some thoughts floating around unorganized in my mind for a few weeks. I would like to try to express them now since there were several talks at General Conference that seemed to support my budding ideas.
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I am tired of the phrase "life is not fair". People say this to me ALL THE TIME. It is their answer to that often asked question “Why me?”. Lately I have watched several of my friends go through trials of their own. My first instinct was to tell them that life is not fair. I was sure that this would immediately solve all their problems. But it hasn’t solved mine, and I know it won’t solve theirs either.

Here is my own personal opinion. Life is perfectly fair. We may not get what we want, but not getting our own way is not the same thing as being “not fair”. Plus, Fate doesn't discriminate and only give problems to some people. Every single person on earth has problems in their life. Please email me immediately if you haven’t suffered from at least one of the following afflictions: stress, not enough money, a disability, divorce, miscarriage, infertility, job loss, death of a family member, sickness, depression, abuse, addiction, loneliness, heartbreak or troublesome family member. I am sure that at some point in our lives we all ask the question, “Why me?”.

Do you know what would be really unfair? If someone managed to get all the way through life without suffering any of these sad things-that would be unfair. Imagine going through life never attending a funeral? (It won't happen). Imagine never catching a flu bug, or disagreeing with a sibling, worrying about a loved one, or having to look for a new job?

Luckily, we are each only given the trials that we are strong enough to handle. Christ’s atonement has covered all of our heartbreaks; He suffered our pains in the Garden of Gethsemane and He knows. He knows that in our own way we will each have to suffer, but one’s suffering is not looked upon as greater or lesser than someone else’s. To Him, it is the same. And so it must be for us as well. We can not look at others and wonder why they are so much luckier than we are because we don’t know what they suffer or how it hurts them. Only Christ can know their hearts.

During the General Conference of the LDS church this weekend, at least half the speakers seemed to comment on this topic. Here are links to two of them which are my personal favorites:

President Henry B. Eyring

Elder Ronald A. Rasband

So here is my challenge to myself. I am going to try to stop asking that “Why me?” question. I have a lot of good things going for me (good family, good husband, good job)-it wouldn't be fair to not have a few problems too.

There is a poem that I use during my poetry unit every year that comes to mind. So, to close with a quote from Henry Wadsworth Longfellow’s The Rainy Day:

Be still, sad heart! and cease repining;

Behind the clouds is the sun still shining;

thy fate is the common fate of all,

Into each life some rain must fall,

Some days must be dark and dreary.

Jake’s News!

Take a close look at these pictures:


Notice anything different between them?
Well, in the first picture Jake is a Staff Sergeant and in the next he is a Sergeant First Class! That’s right! He got a promotion! I am so proud of him. He works hard to make sure that the job gets done right, and I’m not the only one that has noticed. He definitely earned that praise.
His promotion has earned him not just an extra rocker on his rank patch, but also a lot of extra responsibility and status. His new official title is Battalion S4 NCOIC (Non Commissioned Officer In Charge) of the 1-148th Field Artillery. This pretty much means that his is the Senior Supply Guy who is in charge of all the other supply guys in the Field Artillery Battalion.  He is working mainly out of Pocatello now, which means a lot of commuting back and forth and sleeping in his office, but I think that once we establish a routine and he becomes familiar with his new duties he is really going to love his job.
I’m proud of you Sweetheart! I love you! xxoo

Negative Results

I waited by my phone all day today. Well, to be fair, I carried my phone with me all day today. However, when all was said and done the results of my blood tests are negative. I’m not pregnant.

I’m trying to resist the desire to ask “Why me?” I’m trying not to dwell in self pity. I told myself when we began the IVF for the second time that I needed to have faith and relax. Now that I’m not pregnant, that philosophy shouldn’t change, right?

It’s hard to do. I still don’t understand why I can’t have children. I don’t understand what lessons I’m supposed to learning from this trial. I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND!

A few times today people have said that I must be a saint to have put up with so much. This is not true. I am not a saint. I’m cranky. I’m confused. I’m sad. 

The nurse who called said that we should stop taking the medications (yea, no more shots!) and that we should call to set up a consultation so that we can begin the process again. I don’t see myself having the strength to do this again right away.

Bed Rest

Hello!

It is currently 2127 (9:27 pm) on Sunday evening. The end of my bedrest is just one short sleep away!

The transplant on Friday went well. The doctors said that both embryos survived the transfer and were showing signs of growing and changing before they had even been implanted. I don't really know much about the labratory side of IVF, so I didn't ask what they meant. I was just happy that they were happy. (They had also just given me a valium, and I didn't really care too much about anything at the time.)

Jake and I came straight home from the doctor's office and I climbed onto my bed. And here I have sat.

Other than a quick shower each morning and a few quick trips to the bathroom I have not moved from this spot. I might be holding still but I have not been idle. Here is a list of things I have done this weekend:

• checked my facebook page,
• played a million words on Words with Friends,
• read part of my current novel Roger Williams and the Creation of the American Soul,
• graded nearly 30 essays,
• watched 8 episodes of Mad Men,
• read the 2nd book in the Stephanie Plum series in its entirety in less than 4 hours,
• entertained several friends and family
• done some online shopping
• began working on a far-fetched project to assign my Honors class (I'm sure they love when I'm bored)
• read a teen novel that I can't remember the name of
• kept a close eye on the neighbors - there's a neighborhood watch sign is in my yard for a reason! (No seriously, this little red car drove by at least 5 times in one hour this afternoon, very suspicious...)
• drove Jake crazy with my princessey whims ("I need more ice" "come open the door" "adjust the blinds" )
  

Okay, it sounds like more fun than it actually was. I can't wait to get off of this bedspread and onto my feet. I'll admit that I had a bit of an emotional breakdown last night. I don't like feeling so helpless and dependent on other people. It was frustrating and unfortunately I did throw a bit of a tempertantrum when Jake came to bed. I want to go outside and smell the rain, I want to check the mailbox, I want to make my own toast, I want to play fetch with the dog, I want to sit in the living room!

Even with the company and all of the attention, I am ready to get back to living my life. I enjoyed all of my activities and I should be thankful for the leisure time, but it is emotionally draining to worry that any wrong step could result in failure. Could all of this stress, money, and boredom be for nothing if I lift the cat who weighs more than 10 pounds? Should I sit up, prop myself up, or lay flat on my back? Will that make a difference? Have faith... have faith... have faith... has been my mantra today.

Here is my upcoming schedule:

I will continue taking shots and medicine for the next week. On Friday I will go to the Twin Falls hospital for a blood draw at the lab. They will measure my HcG levels and send the results to my docs in Boise. THEN on MONDAY the 26th I will go back to the hospital for a second lab and the results will be sent to the docs in Boise who will then compare the two levels and call me back with the results.

Yep, that's right. I won't know anything until a week from tomorrow! But that's actually pretty close. Keeping my fingers crossed!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the big day! It's time for the IVF Embryo Transfer!!

I have a lot to worry about so I am choosing to worry about nothing. I have absolutely no control over most of this process. Why should I worry about something that I can't fix?

Here's what I can't control:

• I can't control whether or not the embryos survive the freezing/thawing process.
• I can't control whether or not the embryos "take" to my body.
• I can't control the choices made by the doctors or nurses. (Are they going to eat a good breakfast? Will they be at their best?)

Here's what I can control tomorrow:

• my attitude

I know that there are a lot of people who are hoping that this round of IVF will work, and I am certainly one of them. We are doing everything in our power to make that happen. But on the grand scheme of things, our power is very limited. We can only pray. We can only hope. We can only trust. I'll follow directions. I will take my medications (shots and all). I will stay down for two days of bed rest. I'll do my best. But no matter how hard I try, I can't do it alone. I have to have FAITH!

Luckily I have good friends to help. Last night my friend, Amanda, took me out for a surprise girls night. We got awesome pedicures and some dessert! It was yummy and relaxing. Tonight I am quickly finishing up some projects around the house so that I won't be tempted to do them when I'm supposed to be resting. Tomorrow morning we will leave for Boise and we'll be home again by the afternoon.

Several people have offered to come by and visit. It may get very crowded in my bedroom. Haha. I am warning you though. If you come by, you may have to grade research papers. :)

More updates to come soon I promise!

P.S. That whole severe chest pain thing still hasn't gone a way, but since the doctors don't know what it is they're saying it is an adverse reaction to my fertility meds. However, it seems to be improving in proportion to the number of Tums I eat every hour. So,that's good news right? Yea Tums!!

Feeling Frustrated... and Loved

I just got home from a very long day.

I woke up last night feeling like I was going to be sick. Once I got up and began getting ready for the day the feeling changed from "I'm about to throw up" to "Is someone sitting on my chest?" It hurt to breathe deeply, and it especially hurt to swallow. I wondered if my esophogus was blocked. Burping would help for a minute and then the pain would come right back.

I called Doctor Slater, my fertility specialist, in Boise. She said that chest pain and squeezing was not a normal side effect to my meds, and I should go to the emergency room. I didn't want to go to the emergency room. But she and her nurse were very insistent. Downright bossy, actually.

So I arranged for a sub to cover my class and I sent an e-mail to my Associated Principal (whom I love) and told her I would be leaving soon. She marched right down with a wonderful school counselor who took over my class. Danielle (my AP) had me call my mom so that I wouldn't pass out while driving.

Mom came right over and picked me up. It was very much a flashback to my middle school years when I was sick a lot and she would come in and get me from the front office. She drove me to the E.R. and stayed with me from 11:00 to 4:00! We watched some Paula Deen cooking and Love in the Afternoon with Audrey Hepburn on the T.V.

Meanwhile the doctors were monitoring my chest pains and running lots of tests. They did an EKG to check my heart, they did an x-ray to check my lungs. They took a lot of blood and put me on an IV and oxygen. All results came back negative. They have no idea what was wrong with me. And I wasn't much help. While lying there in bed, not speaking much and relaxing, my chest didn't hurt.

"On a scale of 1-10 what is your pain level?"
"1-2"

It wasn't until I finally checked out of the hospital did the pain come back. Mom and I went out for dinner and oh did it hurt!

"On a scale of 1-1- what is your pain level?"
"7"

Tomorrow is a field trip and I don't want to miss it, so I am lying low tonight hoping that whatever it is, will go away on its own. Dr. Slater said to drop the Medrol (which is a steroid) and the E.R. doc prescribed Benadryl instead so that's what I am going to try. Hopefully it goes away soon. I can't take another day of sitting in that E.R. It was so boring and a great waste of time.

However, I felt very loved. Mom dropped everything at work and came to rescue me, and my colleagues at school were fabulous! I love you guys!!

IVF Medications

Well, its that time again. Time to start posting about our progress with infertility.   We will be doing our second round of IVF this Friday when we implant our remaining two embryos. In order to prepare my body for the big event, and to make it believe that it is already a week or two pregnant, I need to take quite a few medications. 

I begin every morning with four pills- a baby aspirin, a prenatal vitamin, one doxycycline and one Medrol.

Then I get an injection of progesterone. In my upper bottom. Where might that be you ask? Well sit up straight and put your hands on your hips. Where your thumb is touching is my “injection location”.

That needle is a bit hard to see. But nevertheless it is about 1.5 inches long.  It only pinches a bit when it goes in, but several hours later I have deep muscle bruising that makes walking and transitioning from sitting to standing rather painful. Tonight I am trying some natural bruise remedies that have been recommended. I hope it works because I don’t like the idea of poking my bruises with needles. Ouch!

I have had no shortage of people asking to help with the injections. I wonder what it says about me when so many people want to stab my toosh with a big huge needle? Hmmmm.  Anyway, Jacob helps when he can, and when he is unavailable my friend Amanda and my sister Alex both help out. Such good friends.

Then at night before bed I take one more Medrol and one more Doxy.

On Tuesdays and Fridays I get an evening poke of Estrogen as well. What fun times!

This will all continue until this Friday. After the embryo transplant, I have two more weeks of progesterone injections daily, progesterone suppositories daily, and bi-weekly estrogen injections. The prescription pills will be gone, but the prenatals continue, obviously.

My upcoming weekend (post transfer) will be spent in complete bed rest, so look for more updates to come this weekend. I’ll have plenty of time on my hands to tell you all about the transfer itself.

In the meantime, I am very grateful for all of the prayers on our behalf. Jacob and I are looking forward to a happy ending to this long and arduous trial known as infertility.