I’m a bit behind on updating about Julia’s second birthday. It’s not that I forgot – is such a thing even possible? – it’s that I am not quite sure how to say what I want to say.
I feel like I am so much different than I was two years ago. I can’t even tell you how I’m different either. More serious? Maybe. More alive? Maybe that too. And this birthday has been a strange thing to experience. It wasn’t as heart breaking as I thought it would be, and it was much more special than I anticipated.
I spent the day on a fishing field trip with my students. It was busy and hectic, which kept my mind occupied. When I was finally alone, sunburnt and tired, I had a good cry in my classroom before I went home. That evening both of our families met at the house. We went to the cemetery where we dropped off flowers, then went to the River Rock Grill for dinner. It was nice to see everyone and to spend time visiting. All in all it was a good day.
I think about Julia every single day- no exaggeration. She is on the tip of my tongue and the forefront of my thoughts in every situation at every moment. When I walk into the family room I think, “If she were here there would be toys on the floor,” and when I walk into a restaurant I think, “If she were here I would need to ask for a booster seat.” It’s always just a passing thought; it lasts no longer than a second. I’ve gotten used to it, and my mind jumps back to reality almost instantly.
I don’t cry nearly as often as I used to, other than last week it has been several months since I had a good Julia-cry. However, I doubt that I will ever stop crying completely. Sometimes that extra surge of emotion sneaks up on me when I least expect it. Strangely, it is usually at times that should be happy. Happy things make me think of Julia and then that makes me cry. Is that weird?
This all sounds so sad. I knew it probably wasn’t going to come out quite right. I’m happy. I’m very happy with everything in my life. I don’t want anyone to get the idea that I am mopey or sad all of the time. I really am not. A little bit haunted maybe, but it is a ghost that I have no desire to rid myself of. So, two years after the birth and death of my beautiful daughter, I feel that I am healing and improving every day. I’ll never forget her, but I am getting ready to move on with my life.
Hopefully there will be a blog about that in the near future!
4 comments:
Thank you for sharing your thoughts about Julia's 2nd birthday. I think of her everytime I come down the stairs and see her tiny foot print, or in the baby department in a store, sometimes thoughts of her sneak up on me when I least expect it. It suprises me that they aren't necessarily sad, but more refective. She is in the fiber of who I am now. I am not ready to check out, but I am not afraid of it either. She has changed us all in ways I can't even start to explain.
Happy birthday, little one.
Thought of her last Friday. As you've mentioned before it's a bittersweet thing for our daughters to be so close in age. I totally understand your post...thank you for sharing. Happy birthday little angel!
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