Chapter 6: How Am I?

How are you? What a powerful and loaded question this is.  I’d never really thought about it until recently.  Tonight its on my mind so I’m going to write down a few of my thoughts and questions.

I’ve never started a conversation without asking or being asked, “How are you?”  Most people will automatically respond by saying “good,” or “fine.”  (Quick grammar lesson: if you say ‘good’ you are implying that you are well-behaved; if you say ‘well’ you are implying that you are healthy.)  Does it ever drive you nuts when you’re in a hurry and out of habit you ask someone how they’re doing and they launch into a long story about all of their problems? You’d like to sit and listen (sometimes) but you just don’t have the time and you don’t know how to get away from them?  How many times do we ask that question and really want an honest answer? Also, how many times are we asked that question and we give an honest answer? 

I get asked how I am doing 15 times a day, at least. My answer varies depending with whom I am speaking.  Most of the time I just say I’m “fine”, because most of the time I am. (FINE of course being “Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional.” Name that movie). Actually, to me “fine” means I am here. I am doing whatever it is that I am supposed to be doing, I am not thinking, I am not thriving, I am not excelling. I am simply here and since being here is a fairly big accomplishment most days, “fine” is all you’re going to get from me. Please don’t expect any more.  I don’t think that is too uncommon, really. Haven’t you ever said the same?

In actuality, I am full of so many different emotions and thoughts, from the highest highs to the lowest lows, that its hard for me to really understand how I am let alone explain it to someone else. How am I? Well I am…

Some moments I am absolutely elated. I’m going to be a mom! This happens whenever Julia moves around. I am overpoweringly in love with her. I talk to her and caress her, and try to tell her how much I love her. I am grateful for all of the wonderful people in my life: my family, my friends, my co-workers, the strangers who read this blog and pray for me. I feel that I am spiritually enlightened, knowing that I have the gift of the Holy Ghost and being able to recognize Christ’s atonement every day. I am hopeful when I think of the miracles that could happen.  I am happy when I realize that I am laughing at a joke, or my silly cat, or whatever. Laughter is wonderful.  I am relieved when I realize that I am not feeling sad.  Other moments I am incredibly selfish when I see small children with their parents. How dare those parents have what I want to have? I am kind of surprised by how often I feel anger, an emotion I used to feel very rarely. I am angry at myself for being selfish. I am angry at the doctors for giving me bad news, even though its not their fault. I am mad at myself and at the doctors whenever I begin to not enjoy my pregnancy. How dare they not let me enjoy these precious months by talking about the future?! I am hurt when people belittle my concerns and worries. I am sorry for the ignorant people who say those things. I am scared when I realize I don’t know what the future has in store for me. I am depressed when I think of burying my little girl. I am frightened when I think of bringing home a baby with disabilities. I am doubtful I could handle either of those situations and I honestly do not know which would be harder. I am stronger than I ever imagined. I am scared, I am nervous, I am tired, I am courageous, I am growing, I am absent-minded, I am distracted, I am on the verge of tears, I am surviving.

I am . . . fine.  How are you?